OZ PUB – Australian Paul Uber Blog.

Such a slog. So many short trips and not enough trips. I was spoilt yesterday with so many long journeys around Whatcom County.

First ping was Mary. She was an Uber Eats customer. Had to get her food from the mall. She wanted Thai food. Full of peanut sauce. Luckily I can handle the smell or my peanut allergy could have ruined my day straight from the get go. It seemed a little early for Thai food in my opinion, but that’s none of my business.

Next customer was Anne. She wants to work as a criminal justice professional. Basically wants to become a detective, which is cool. Detective Anne.

The following chap. Now he was probably the coolest guy. His actual name is Jimmy Chatfield. A Bellingham Bells player who goes to Yale. He is a pitcher and might make the big time Baseball. Major league baseball that is. We shall see. I told him I’m hoping to see his name up in lights one day. No pressure or anything. We discussed cricket and how the MLB scouted bowlers because the cricket ball is heavier than a baseball. Reminded me when I didn’t wear a helmet playing for Mary White College and got a cricket ball to the cheekbone. Had a massive lump there for a week. Ouch. I did however remember getting a hat trick in high school at indoor cricket. That was awesome. Split the stumps first bowl. Then two people caught out immediately after. Great fun. Hoping Jimmy goes far with baseball.

Beck was next to be picked up. Not much to say about her. We’ll skip her and talk about Chicken Devan. He was off to the Dominican republic. He was a 2 stop fellow. Dropped him off then picked him up again. He works as a climate change consultant assisting impoverished communities to curve their green house gas emissions. Specifically Africa. What a legend. Meanwhile I’m thinking I need a Tesla.

Next was a repeat offender. Holy crap it’s Aaron from the hospital. How’s your mum? Not good. Her medication has been making her crazy. He said it was the opioids. He proceeded to show me videos of how his mum was. Horrific. He needed to pick up some items of hers from the hospital and return to her immediately. I stupidly accepted another passenger before I realized he needed to return to his sick mother. I took him back anyway. The ferries to Alaska were canceled and they couldn’t fly due to his mothers surgery. Felt sorry for the lad. I thought back when I had my wisdom teeth out and my tolerance was fine, but she apparently was taking too many of the prescribed pills. Awful. After I dropped him off I messaged my next passenger apologizing for the delay in pickup and that I had a customer emergency.

MJ. She was from the Philippines and heavily pregnant. I left a pregnant lady waiting. She was cool about it though. In no hurry. Enjoying the sunny day. We discussed how long her green card process has been taking and she told me only a month. I warned her it might take some time.

After dropping her off I picked up Leo and his family. They all promptly had to be dropped off at the airport. Then I noticed his grandfather and he looked like Henry Gibson, the small old judge from Boston Legal. Then I realized it could not have been him because he died in 2009. RIP. Unless Washington is heaven? One guy in the party asked if I was Australian and I said yes. They love Caloundra and Bondi. Nice.

Throughout the day two people sat behind me. It’s a little unnerving. There are three other seats and you want to sit directly behind me? To save my brakes I used my gears. My car is an auto with a manual component. Pretty cool. Discovered it over the weekend up Mt Baker.

Picked up Rachel. Uber took me to a side street. Instead of her apartment. Thought it must be that bloody algorithm glitch again.

Other customers were another Aaron! So many Aaron’s. He guessed that I was Australian. His wife, his mates and himself were going on a wine cruise in Fairdinkumhaven. Only $39 pp. Pretty sweet deal. Didn’t even know about it.

Picked up a Kathryn who works for a construction company. I’m building a client base without trying. I have 4 clients already if I want to go back to archaeology. Sweet. She took some sweets for her child. Didn’t get anything from Portland for her son. Nerds from your Uber driver is the key.

Amanda was the next guest on my talk show. I mean Uber customer. Picked her and her mates up from Chuckanut Brewery. They were off to another Brewery known as Aslan. I said this is your All Aussie Pub Crawl Tour. They loved it and said I should have a bus and say anything from. Australian slang to jokes and point out imaginary Australian Wildlife on the way. 🤔🤨

Mike was my final customer and he guessed my accent incorrectly. He said New Zealand. No! Get out the car. He was from Mexico I mean Texas. Typo. He did say he was keen to go to Australia. Good on ya mate. Do it. Learn the accent before you go though.

14 trips! Busy day! Till tomorrow.

The day that I met another Aussie. In fact I met him at the end of my day.

First passenger was Nate. Him and his wife had to go Lynden to a storage facility. My gosh. Lynden is deep. It’s out there. Unfortunately the Uber app glitched and still doesn’t know where road closures are. It also placed me 4 miles away from their destination. I went to Google maps to find where they needed to go. Once arriving I rang Uber and they said this glitch happens all the time. I reported the road closure issue and how Uber took me down a one way street yesterday. I thought I was going to be ripped off for the 4 mile issue. I wasn’t. In fact uber put me at 15.71 miles, whereas 14 miles was the correct distance. Not disputing that at all.

Went to fill up. As I filled up ping. Couldn’t get to my phone quick enough. Another customer goes begging. Stone the flaming crows! Least my fuel was cheap.

Made my way back to the airport and got a short trip, which means I don’t lose my spot in the airport queue, which I obviously took advantage of. The short trip was Aaron, he was returning from Las Vegas. Lucky bugger. Such a fun place. His wife and kid sat in the back and helped themselves to my sweets and water. The kid wasn’t allowed to eat anymore because he’d get hypo. It didn’t bother me the slightest.

I dropped them off and the kid in his hypo state decided to leave his hat behind, luckily I caught this before I drove away. I sensed there was something not right in my backseat and sure enough a hat was sitting on the middle armrest. Yelling to Aaron, mate I believe this is yours! Thank you so much was the response. $5 tip was my result. Always check your car for goodies before you leave your customer at their destination.

Next was another long trip back to Lynden from the airport. Sweet. They flew in from Vegas too. We had a lot to discuss including the Grand Canyon, Hoover Dam and immigration. I noticed they had beautiful sun flowers growing in their yard. Got a fantastic tip as a result. Cheers.

As I made way back from Lynden I got a ping from Uber eats. Oh no it’s not promotional! Must remember to turn that off. Pho Bubba Tea. Hmmm Bubble tea? Anyway picked up the order and dropped it off to Matt. He opened the door and his voice was very deep for his stature. Kinda shocked me.

This fellow lived in an apartment complex that had no character. Buildings all looked the same and prior to knocking on his door number 103 was on three different doors all within walking distance to each other. The key was there was an additional number on the main building itself. If I hadn’t noticed that I might have knocked on the wrong door and given some random Vietnamese takeaway. Dodge a bullet there. Good job archaeology trained me to observe all the diagnostic features required for such an important task. Delivering food to deep voice Matt.

Got back in my car and crap forgot to turn off Uber Eats. Ellie. She wanted healthy food. Can’t recall the name of the joint, but it it definitely oozed healthy. Food I should probably eat, but honestly don’t and is probably so fresh it might still have Wildlife lurking in the midst of the foliage. Reminds me of my college food days. Might have a salad, oh that’s a green tree frog. Think I should set it free outside before I eat him. Lady next to me, yuck there’s a slug in my lettuce. 2 minute noodles would make any college food night better. Cheap and quick.

After dropping off the healthy food I turned off Uber eats. Then something strange happened. Normally a busy time, became super quiet. My brain decided to wonder if it was a conspiracy. If you turn it off you get no one! I waited until the promotional option came back. Then within a minute of selecting Uber eats again, ping! Interesting. What a bloody coincidence! A new rider. Christine. She got a $10,000 promotion, lucky bugger. We talked about Uber and how you have some characters show up. Then something interesting happened, she said another Uber driver she drove with had a Google executive in their car and they said do you know why the app sometimes end up taking you to weird places?

Apparently it has something to do with the location of where the utilities are situated on the property. If they are on the side, rear or front of the property the app will take you to wherever they’re located. In Washington it’s not always at the front, sometimes it might be elsewhere. In other states it’s usually at the front and the algorithm works perfectly for that. In Washington state there’s no law as to where utilities are placed. Who knew? Well I know now. In future I’ll be careful to figure out this glitch ahead of time if I can. Also the algorithm is hard to fix. So don’t get mad at an Uber driver if he takes you behind your house or to the side of it. There’s probably a valid reason.

Some guy honked at me at the light when it had just turned green. Come on! Felt like I was on a game show. Once the green light shines you need to push the button. Bugger off dude. If I was asleep at the wheel I would understand. Quickest honker in the west goes the truck in the rear.

Finally I picked up Chris. He was born in Subiaco, Perth. I thought his American accent was weird. He told me he had been living here since he was a kid and when he turned 18 the Australian government asked him if he wanted to keep his citizenship. This shocked me. He was born there, has an Aussie mum and an American dad. Crazy. I’m sure he can get it back if he wants, but Seriously why would the government even care? I need to look into this. I don’t want to lose my Australian citizenship. It’s who I am! It might because he lived in the USA before he turned 18. I have already paid taxes to the commonwealth. Still curious about it.

Anyway that’s a wrap. Not a rap. Just a wrapper, lollie wrappers left behind by selfish customers. If you eat you need to dispose of it. Yes I provide, but take it with you. I’m not ya mum or dad or whomever cleans up after you. Seriously was that there since the kid was there? Come on people. Where’s the dignity?

The end…for now. Tomorrow is a new day. Novus diem. Not nervous dame.

The day started with me washing and vacuuming my car for my new passengers. Cars get so filthy don’t they? I mean hair, dog fur, chips, dirt, dust, and Hi Chew wrappers. It builds up exponentially!

First customer was Amber she being dropped off to get a NEEEEW CAAAAR! Yep an Chevvy SUV. I was excited for her and told her she should do Uber if she has a new vehicle.

After dropping amber off I thought I’d try the airport to see who was flying in from Oakvegas. I mean Oakland. Ardy, a somewhat handsome gentleman graced my car. He was tall, dark haired and I think Italian background. A house flipper that had no time to chat. Just phone call after phone call. Cool dude. Guess you can do you and flip off a house.

Chreesten. Was off to the university. Communications. Interesting name.

I went back to the airport to see if I can get anymore passengers. I waited and I counted the coins in my wallet. They made my hands reak! Gross! Had enough small change for a coffee at new favorite coffee booth. “Cool Beans”. Only $4 for a white chocolate mocha. Yummo. My favorite hot guilty pleasure. Caloric and heavy, yet sweet and tasty. Tuesday’s is double stamp day.

Grace was the next airport customer who was studying classics. She was contemplating grad school, which means masters in the USA. I told her it would probably help her. Even said she can grab my card if she wants me to forward her some big names that might help her kickstart her career.

Sarah was picked up at the Best Western by the airport. She guessed my accent in one. It’s a little bit of a game I play with myself now. Wondering if I should give out prizes for ones who guess correctly? Anyway she told me about a friend who does uber and got $150 for someone puking in their car. Free detailing. Amazing.

Next passenger was at the hospital. Aaron. This fine gentleman was assisting his mother after a very serious operation. As I drove up I called out to the two people that were at the entrance of the hospital. At that moment 4 policemen and a lady in handcuffs walked out of the hospital, when the lady in cuffs screamed! A blood curdling scream, either she was in pain from the handcuffs or she was being dramatic. Hard to say. The poor mother that had just undergone lung and shoulder surgery, was freaking out by the crazy Prisoner. I helped Aaron put all his mothers items in the boot aka trunk of my car. We chatted and I made sure both passengers were comfortable. Dropped them off at the Hotel Motel Holiday Inn.

George pinged me. Him and his wife were moored at the port of Bellingham. They needed groceries. We went to Frederick Meyer and they suggested I wait for 10-20 minutes and they will use me again. Sure enough after they had acquired the groceries and ended up in my car they were ready to order me again. Ping! Phew no Christopher or any other uber driver in the vicinity, just me.

Dennis, another customer, wanted to be dropped off at a mechanic. He spent $1000 to pay for his brakes and rotors on his truck. Said mine need doing also. He works as one of those Energy efficient consultant. His job specifically was to tell customers how to build their house by being energy efficient. That means the use of insulation, solar panels and a hydroelectric dam in ya pond. Sorry bit carried away there. No dam pond. Was thinking it was a BS job, then found out he knew Larry Steele. Yep Bonnie’s boss. Small world.

Most other people I spoke to wanted to know about archaeology and how it works. Some asked about Australia and where I was from. My observations included terribly slow drivers and rastaflannelman. Yes what appeared to be Bob Marley in flannel. Never seen this fashion statement in my life.

David the lawyer, a geologist, a psychologist, and a future sports journalist graced my car.

Total trips was 14. Busy day for a Tuesday.

Last night. Was extremely fruitful Fridays. I had gotten way more than I had ever in Uber. Started off slow and then it turned into a boulder tumbling, full of money. The app failed to work because for some reason the app decided to update itself with a different logo. I had to add my car info and take a selfie to get it working again. Weird. Now I think Russia has my face now. Yes i read about that face app biometric 80 year old dad going around. Almost as good as Area 51. Thinking i might ask people if they’re going to raid Area 51 on the 20th of September.

First customer was Ruben and he was on the phone the whole time. 15 minutes of phoney balogne. When a customer is on the phone it’s hard not to eavesdrop. Key words “I wish I could be there for that slumber party with all you girls there”. “Model shoot”. “How did the interview go?” “Oh my God you need to totally write about it.” The name Ruben reminded me of Uncle Rueben Brown, related to Dean James Brown. An indigenous elder from the Eloura people. Except this guy had long shoulder length black hair, beard, Fabioesk persona, greasy way of talking, that’s honestly the best way I can describe him, I mean his flirty way of talking to to the last on the phone was awkward and to be honest downright creepy. Was happy to drop him off at the Sheraton.

Candace was the next person i picked up from Fairdinkumhaven. She was going waltzing in Bham. Found out she had a friend in Australia marrying a “black person”, then she said “what do you call black people in Australia? Can’t be African Americans could it it?” I raised an eyebrow immediately and thought are you serious right now? I said “what’s their background?” She said “born in Australia”. I said well if their indigenous to Australia it could be traditional owner, Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander. She commented oh I didn’t think of that. 😒 She works for a prosthetic company in Ferndale. Sounds rewarding.

I went to the airport and proceeded to pick up Renee. She was going to Lummi. Nice. Big fat fare. She was in from Idaho. I said I have a mate that lives out there. Choya. Renee was there for a family reunion. Sounds like a blast. She wasn’t very talkative, but her plane was delayed for an hour from Seattle.

After dropping her off I rolled the dice for one more airport pickup, which can be a bit of a gamble. Then Tu pinged me and cancelled within 2 minutes. Damn! Went back to the airport queue. Didn’t have to wait long when Wesley pinged me. He had to go north, which I thought was annoying because I wanted to go South. Ferndale is almost home for me. Dropped him off then went back south. Then surprisingly another ping at the airport. Blaize! Cool name. He said it was short for Blazerbeam 🤣😂. He was totally Joshing, but liked it. His flight was canceled to Montana. So to the pub he shall go. Dropped him off at a Brewery. He wants to hang out and have a beer one day. Gave him.a car and now I’m off to Fairdinkumhaven. On the way there I saw a man with in AC/DC shirt and trackydacks on. Sweat pants for you Americans.

There’s a brush in my car. Don’t know who’s it is.

Picked up Ted he looks like Lenin. Not John Lennon. Lenin. The USSR Lenin.

Picked up Stephanie who does bible software. Interesting.

Met an Andrew Howard. Not relation.

Cyclists are still annoying.

Dane and Josiah told me about the coronaritas at Jalapenos. Love them. They’re like a margarita with a Corona beer in it.

More monster journeys last night. Oh and two Uber eats. Still double. Encountered more Uber people waiting for McDonald’s orders. One guy had 4 teeth. Told how good Uber eats was lately because it’s like dropping off a person. I said yeah reluctantly. He was right one Uber eats drop off gave me $10 instead of 5. It’s the promotion.

Final rider was Sean he liked to be called Seanathon. He’s mates in the back told me I need to get a gopro like a guy in New York. He apparently gets $10,000 a month from driving people around and filming their antics. Hmmm…

After 16 trips it was a monster of an evening. Till Monday.

Slowest of the slows. Thinking it was the rain. 
The first gentleman was called Guy he wasn’t that interesting at all, but asked about Ubering. 
Next gent was Hector it was his first time using Uber in his life. Preferred it to a taxi. No surprises there. Taxis are horrendously expensive and not very comfortable. As I drove Hector to the Sheraton to get a lift, he told me that he was getting another lift to Detroit to pick up a truck. Long way to go. Good luck Hector. That’s not a short trip at all. I dropped him off then this lady approached my vehicle and exclaimed oh! You’re an Uber! I replied yes I am, you need one? Yes was the answer. Jen and Doug were a little technologically challenged so I said I’ll take cash for cheap if you want? I asked how much is Uber saying? The response was $7-$9. Is $5 okay for cash? Absolutely Jen said. Cool! We chatted on the way to their destination. They flew in from Iowa to visit their son. After they were offloaded at their destination they wanted a card and my availability. Excellent, more business. 
Waiting at the airport I thought of Dave the other Uber driver. Remembering whathe asked me, “have you had any unicorns yet?” I said “as in long trips?” He said “yes”. I replied “definitely. Where have you been I asked?” “Renton, Washington.” He asked me “where I had been”, I responded with “Pitsburgh, California.” His face was shocked. Guess you can call it a Golden Unicorn. 
Whilst I was waiting at the airport I got an Uber eats ping. Bugger off. I’m not accepting this after waiting at the airport for ages.
Finally I get another ping. He had a short trip. Feel like the Uber eats may have been a better option due to the promotional option going on. Oh well won’t do that again. Can’t remember this fellow. Generic, plain. Trip to short to care.
Dria was my next customer she was not talkative at all. 
Angelica she was a baker. Nickname Jelly. Cracked up. I said working in a bakery would be hard not to sample all your goods. She agreed.
Randy was the next pinger. He went to Australia to meet with clients over some wood. Makes sense there’s a lot of trees here. He pronounced Melbourne terribly. Melboorn instead of Melbun. Shocker.
Mariana. Next customer was a child hearing specialist. She was moving to Arizona. Have fun in the desert.
Mike now what can we say about him? Well first things first he pinged me at the RiteAid. He was going to Ferndale, which is on the way home. He works in a warehouse and he’s also aPinball Wizard! Was tempted to play some Elton John for him, but refrained. He competes in pinball competitions in Bellingham. Didn’t know that was a thing. Mike mentioned something about Twic or Twick? A video he was going to do. 
My ratings went up. Got another sweet review. Wish I knew the names of the people doing the reviews. 
Until Friday. Tomorrow is back to archaeology.

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Today I saw evolution at it’s finest. Or should I say adaptability? Carolyn was in my car, my first passenger and she was in the front seat! Yes a lot of people like to be chauffer driven. As I discovered. So this was nice and normal for me her in the front seat. We were waiting at the light and a deer buck decided to use the crosswalk aka pedestrian crossing. Yes he looked both ways and then he did the same again to get to the other side. Why did he cross the road? I don’t know. He definitely crossed perfectly and crossed more accordingly than most humans I’ve seen stagger in and around the streets. Perfect L on the zebra crossing. I really wish I’d filmed it because neither of us had seen anything like it. No J walking at all! Still unbelievable. Really couldn’t believe it. 
I hope I see this again. 
Next customer pinged me when I had to go to the loo. Every time! I might have moments of noone and then when I decide to eat or pee. I’ll get someone. Murphy and his law. Seriously. Got Stephanie from Taiwan who flew in a private jet. Yep she was here for 5 days with her colleague. They stopped in Bellingham whilst. Yes whilst! I’m using this word from now on. Anyone who worked at Drayton Archaeology will understand. Anywho her boss was going on a family trip in Alaska. They were here in the US to go to Detroit and discuss business. Car manufacturing. Yep. Maybe a new Tesla on the horizon. We shall see. Steph aka Stephanie needed a lift to the Greyhound bus terminal in Fairdinkumhaven, they were going to Seattle to visit a friend. A bus sounds awful. I hate buses. Either get car sick or have a bad experience happen. Dropped them off and they thanked me. 
Then there was now regular Isabella. I picked her up twice today. I already picked her up last week as well. Think I might just hang out strategically near her house from now on. Okay little creepy, but heck it’s money.
BS job of the day goes to Niaylah. Sleep Technician. Yep she said her job was quiet. I bet. 
Then there was Gregg. He was a real estate agent glued to his phone. He wanted to tell Uber he accidentally locked in a trip before he arrived. I did my best, but Uber said he has to email. I went to tell him when I dropped him off but he was on his phone. Bye Gregg need to go.
Now Brenden a naturopath. I had no idea what that meant so I asked him what his day to day was like. He deals with patients who have erectile dysfunction (don’t laugh Paul, you’rea grown man). He literally said it’s a “hard job”. Okay laugh Paul he cracked a joke. The puns kept coming. This guy was great.
That’s all for today.

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Slow day on the Uber front but had 5 people in my car. All relatively long trips. 
First was Rafael a nurse who was on the way to the YMCA. He was a non tipper.
Second was Stephanie a life coach that flew in from San Diego. I asked her what she did? She mentioned that she goes to different businesses and instructs them how to be better on a personal level. Sounds like BS to me at first, however I said she might be able to assist with my non profit organization idea I have. We discussed new rideshare company Bounce, which she believes is a pyramid scheme where other Bounce drivers ride with Bounce drivers and get money. Anyway must look up pyramid schemes. She explained how it worked, but this was very convoluted. Additionally Bounce has loud music and disco balls. Sounds like a fun driving pyramid. 
Then ping the third! Jonathan he looked and sounded like Hannibal Buress. An American comedian, photo below. I picked him up from Biolife. He donated plasma today. He wanted to be dropped off at the Silver Reef casino. Apparently last week Arsenio Hall was there and I didn’t realize he was the actor from Coming to America. Damn I miss it.
Then silence while I waited at the airport. I waited and waited until the owner of what I thought was the Uber parking area, told me to not park there because of insurance reasons. I said, “but I thought this was the Uber parking area?” Nope. So I shifted to the street, when another car parked in my spot after the owner of the property left. The guy waved at me. He was the competition. Another Uber/Lyft Driver called Dave who kinda looked at Tommy Raudonikis (former rugby league player). He had longer hair though and was American. Anyway he started chatting to me and I said you better not park there or you might get yelled at. Turned out the property is a warehouse for growing marijuana according to Dave. He gave me pointers and said I should join Lyft. Lyft apparently has better surges and better pay. If you only make $5000 in a quarter you pay $0 in tax. Fun fact. Dave mentioned some stuff I already knew like going into the Uber rider app and sussing out where other vehicles are and move away from them. Yeah buddy I knew that. He wants me to join Lyft so he can $50 for referring me. Still don’t want to pay for a business license until I’m ready.
Then ping the 4th. Saiede, an Iranian lady who is studying in her final year of her PhD in psychology. She flew in from Boston to see her family. Now get this! She was going to Peace Arch Park on the border. She can’t leave the country, because she’s on a student visa. Her family is in Canada visiting and can’t enter the USA. So apparently Peace Arch Park is a neutral zone. I said take your paperwork with you. Told her of the horror stories. She was freaking out when got close to her motel which was right next to the border. I told her don’t worry I can’t leave the country either. She thanked me for the advice and getting her their safely. 
Hmmm now the 5th customer. Carl. He flew in from San Diego from his high school of 45 years. We chatted about how my 20 year one was coming up in a few years. I felt old. Then asked why is it 45 years? Why not 10 year? Because you don’t know how many will be alive for the next one. Ah makes sense then. I finally asked what he did for a living? He said he’s retired. I proceeded to ask him what he did before he retired? Border patrol for 23 years. He said he want not want to be doing it now though. Sounds stressful and the press is really awful. I told him about my experiences and others. He wasn’t surprised at all and most border chaps didn’t know the rules unless they were in a senior position. Intriguing. As I dropped him off I realized he lives in a red house and has an Italian flag. No American flag to be seen. I smiled and drove away.
That’s all folks.

Started my Uber evening in Fairdinkumhaven aka called Fairhaven and yep didn’t have to wait long for Christie to ping me. She walked to a house party and wanted to be driven back. Fine by me because I wanted to start my evening. Nothing too quirky about her at her.
Then there was Stan. Stan Bennett apparently a local comedian. That’s what he told me anyway. I arrived at his house. I had to wait for the man finish getting ready. As soon as he rocked up to the car he produced weed aka marijuana right in front of me. He said do you smoke? I said no I really don’t. He then proceeded to discuss his Russian friend that is a human trafficker. I thought um okay,  he said he’s an Uber driver too. Que drum kit comical tune ba dum tic. Yeah good one mate. He performs at Ryan Stiles Upfront Theater in Bellingham. He tried to be comical along the way. I merely laughed out of politeness, had an odd vibe about the man that made me slightly uncomfortable. Oh that’s right he thought I was a New Zealander when he realized I had an accent. Stan the so called man also wanted me to join him for beers in the Wild Buffalo. I said no I am impoverished, he said he would pay for my drinks and the entry fee would be waived because he knows the bouncer. I looked at him and said no I need to keep earning tonight otherwise I won’t be able to afford rent and that I will be evicted and become one of the many homeless people wandering the streets. He then understood and took a card. He will call me later. Yes Stan will want my services again. Oh boy. I felt warm out after his attempt of humor. PS he didn’t trust me because I don’t like weed.
Next person was Arcadia. Cool name. She knew about Greek Mythology and anthropology. She told me she wanted to do chemistry with an anthropological spin on it. I said I know a few archaeologists that do that for a living. She took a card and will get back to me later. She wants to do her masters on something  We shall see what happens with that.
Travis. He lives in Ferndale. I’m in Bellingham. He needed a lift home and wanted to go Jack in the Box. You don’t want to know what I call it. It’s gross. Worse than McDonald’s in my opinion,  because whenever I eat it I get sick. He proceeded to drunkenly direct me to FERNDALE. A different way to my GPS. Lots of turns and turning around, because Jack in the Box was a priority. He told me to order something for myself at the speaker when we arrived to Jack Off in The Box. Oh okay that’s what I call it because it’s nasty. I said no and told him why. He wouldn’t have it. So I ordered chicken strips and honey mustard sauce. He paid for it. Nice gesture,  but really not nice. It was nasty. Popeyes is better and Australian KFC is still world’s apart. Travis proceeded to direct me until the GPS was correct. He is single ladies by the way and bought a house next door to his parents and he loves country music. Travis also likes long walks on the farm and navigation. Oh don’t forget whiskey and Jack in the Box. By the way I had money mustard fingers for the rest of the night. Steering wheel needs to be cleaned now.
After dropping off Travis. Stan rang me and wanted a lift home already! I literally just said yes to Grant on the way back to Bellingham. He was at the Silver Reef casino. Imagining where the reef is in Whatcom county. Oh the silver is probably an ocean of quarters. Maybe. Picked up Grant and he wanted to get to know me better. I told him. He was from Montana and knew about Penrith! He lived in Castle Hill. He apparently worked in Sydney a few years ago. He knew about the Peachtree Hotel. Where a lot of rugby players go to drink and get into brawls. Grant said he had a lot of luck with the ladies in Australia. I said I’m sure you did. He also hated being asked if he was Canadian in Australia. 
Meanwhile Stan wouldn’t leave me alone. I did want to serve him, but was getting pings in new Territory. Including Custer. A couple were in Ferndale. One guy was a tiler and looking for assistance. I said maybe. His partner lived in Melbourne. I ended up so close to home I wanted to call it a night. When Stan called me. I proceeded to make way down. Again more pings. Should I have turned my app off and helped him? His Russian friend ended up picking him up. I was fine with that.
Then I got Omar. He canceled. Ass hole.
Robert and his small clown posse. Oh boy you can’t fit 6 people in ny car. Okay fine. It’s surge time. Surge time is where you get an extra $2 for every trip. So I said yes. They were so far South. Chuckanut Drive. They left and invited me to a naked hot tip party. As they left jalapenos in my car smooshed on the seat. Gross. Had to clean it up.
Finally Emily pinged me and she was moving to Spain. She said I have a good voice for radio and that I should be famous one day. I mentioned I’m going to be doing a podcast next week. Yes it’s next week now. Chris Webster had some stuff to do in Reno. 
That’ll do it for last night. 10 trips total.

Ze Uber Chronicles Continued:

The evening started with me giving out cards to certain isolated bars and BP. Both were extremely grateful because taxis appeared to be the bain of their existence. Almost like they despised their outdated trashy ugly vehicles with the expensive nature of them. Derelict automobile purgatory with signage from another era. Okay I will get back to the customer called Era later, just calm down he’s the spooky finale. Yes I had a customer called Era. Once business cards were distributed accordingly my night had to explode into….

Slow, well that’s what I thought, as I impatiently waited at the airport for my first ping. Nope, nothing for two hours, I even changed my position to increase my pingage. Nope. I even left the airport and still nothing, until the very last plane came in. Ping! Finally Shawn the business consultant used his phone to attract my attention. This gentleman travels the country to instruct businesses on how to save money. Yep sounds like a BS kind of job to me, but as the discussion progressed the subject of beer came up and I gave him a business card for partaking in a beverage at some point in the maybe future.

As I waited impatiently again I went to try Fairdinkumhaven. Okay Fairhaven and I managed to get two pings there.

First was Sam, the dude, surfer dude. He apparently loves Australia, particularly the Gold Coast. I said yeah that’s where I went to school. He asked me where on the Gold Coast, I said Nerang and he had no idea where on the GC that was situated. I’m not surprised though. It’s Nerang. After mentioning Nerang, various other surrounding suburbs came up that he may have heard of. Finally Surfers Paradise popped up and the blonde surfer dude called Jacqueline, okay Sam, knew where Nerang was, on the Gold Coast! By the way it was Miss Jacqueline who ordered his Uber for him. Not sure why that was? Because I was looking for a woman when I picked him up. Had to ring. Hate ringing when I’m looking for people. She answered. Sam should be there! Oooh you’re not here cool it’s the Blonde gnarly dude going to Gruff Brewery.

The second from Fairdinkumhaven I mean Fairhaven was…not important. Pretty sure they were just another person. Didn’t really blip my radar that much. Oh wait his name was Rain. Yes Rain. That’s about it though, apart from apparently every animal in Australia wanting to kill you! It’s news to me. No one has ever said that to me in the 3 years I’ve lived here at all. Oh wait, actually yes they have probably about 50 million times! Whoever decided to advertise Australia as a country that has animals that can kill and will kill you, needs to step back and look at Africa. I mean come on! The hippo kills way more people than the snakes in Australia, the roos that jump into your car and the spiders that jump out from sun visor as you drive down the freeway. Hippos people!

Pride was happening this fine evening, when another Sam had to be picked up. He was a very confident Drag Queen wearing a little black dress and fake lashes, yes a Drag Queen by living and by nature, bags of wings in hand, he had just completed a pride show at the Firefly. He knew I was Australian and said he really wanted to go there. I said he should. He stated he was going to become a music teacher in the public school system. He stated that people were concerned for his wellbeing by being a Drag Queen in a school environment. He said it’s who he was. I said good on ya, for being you mate. Wear that dress and fake lashes, it is who you are and if people can’t accept that, bugger ’em. He thanked me and tipped me way more than I expected. Super nice dude, I really hope he does well.

Next person was Thomas. He knew about archaeology. In fact so much, he could pronounce all the Homos! He even discussed how aphids had the selfish gene, which I had no idea about and need to look up. He had read such books by Jared Diamond like “Guns Germs and Steel”, Sapiens and such literature by Richard Dawkins. We could have talked for hours, especially when I named dropped my Honours supervisor from a decade ago Professor Mike Morwood. He had heard of my late professor and said he truly changed the archaeological theory for the better. Yes Homo Floresiensis. The 3 foot tall diminutive hominid that was found 20 metres down, in a cave in 2003 in Liang Bua on the isle of Flores. Nicknamed the Hobbit. Anyway that’s enough archaeology for one night. Good night Thomas.

Another Thomas pinged me. He was going through a divorce and had 4 kids. Poor bugger, but he said he was going to try and travel more. Especially down under. Cool have fun, don’t let the many things that will kill you get you. Oh yeah by the way you guys have bears and cougars. Yes he thinks he might get killed by a jellyfish. I said it’s possible, but you won’t get shot by an AR15.

Okay, Hailey needed to be picked up from a house party with her dog and maybe boyfriend? The dog was huge. He was a lot bigger than Bowie and almost resembled a horse. Great Dane x Australian Shepherd. The other fellow got my accent correct and said half the dog is from where I’m from, drunkenly. I said yes that’s right. He was actually wrong, but I’m not going to on about dog breeds and where they came from. Aussie shepherds were bred initially in America. Look it up. The gent told me that he knew one of the Seattle Seawolves and that there’s a rugby carnival on tomorrow in Ferndale. Apparently a former Tennessee Titan is going to be there, who now plays rugby at the age of 30. They seemed cool, until we got closer to our destination and I had to a take Uturn. I said I’ll chuck a Youi. That’s when the guy lost it. “WALLABY, DINGO, BOOMERANG MATE”! I chuckled but thought oh boy we are a drunk one aren’t we? I don’t go around with my worst American accent saying “DEER, COYOTE ATLATL” Do I? Face palm. Embarrassed for the man.

Saw several homeless people acting exceptionally weird I mean where I thought maybe the zombie apocalypse was happening. One lady was just lying in an awkward contorted position on the pavement a few feet away from another guy. It looked horrific, but she moved so I thought okay she’s okay I think? Next guy i saw alone on the corner standing with his head tilted to one side swaying, again like something out of the Walking Dead or something. Creepy.

Then Uber Eats went off. Good I’m not that hungry anyway. Going through the drive through at McDonald’s very tough when you have an accent. The guy had an Irish accent and had to spell Uber Eats to him. Finally got my message across. This hasn’t been the first time. One a lady from a few days ago thought I wanted a 4 pack of something. No Uber Eats! As I rolled up to the window a man with an American accent asked me where I was from? South Africa? No heck no! Australia. South Africa? Really? Come on! By the way this is the same guy with the Irish accent, he puts it on over the speaker for some reason. His parents are from Cork in Ireland. Makes sense. Does it though?

When I thought I was done. I stupidly left the app running, ping! Silver Reef casino popped off on my phone. A gent called Jacob. I picked him up and then his trip with his buddies was 20 minutes away! Awesome a nice fat sum before the end of the night, now morning. They too thought every critter wants to kill you in Australia. Original. Entering their street three deer crossed the road, one guy said I’ll give you a 40 if you hit that deer. I said mate my car is my livelihood right now, really don’t want to ruin my car. Already hit a kangaroo once. He laughed, then Jacob asked do they really kick you as well as punch. I said yes they can. They use their tail for leverage. Roos are nasty.

Just when I thought I was done. My final customer. Era. He was going to work. Jesus! Is it that time already? The sun isn’t up, yet. He was a security card at the old cement plant. Apparently people think it’s abandoned and go into the building to get freaked out. Yes apparently it’s haunted. I thought yeah whatever. Then I got close. Yep it’s haunted alright look at the bloody state of it! He said he watches the videos being filmed by the many cameras looking for people or unwanted entities. He told me the light switches in the facility are in inconvenient locations. So 90% of the time you have to use your big ass torch to enter these rooms and turn the light switches on. If there’s someone there you use your torch to bash them. So no gun? He said he hasn’t leveled up yet. Okay Mario how many mushrooms do you need? One more phase of training to get a gun. My immature self thought of him running around the facility with his fists at the beginning of the video game, then he finds a torch at level 2, which he uses to clobber the ghosts, and then levels up to level 3 to get his trusty second ammendment wielding hand gun. Obviously there’s other levels like ones where you get a shotgun, then a P90, then a SAW and eventually a rocketlauncher and then you finish with the Ghostbusters equipment. Ah the life of a security guard doing the graveyard shifts. Such mystery, such action. What Era encounter next?

That’s it no more customers. 15 of them yikes. Started slow and then ended full on. Till tonight.

So anyone heard of Archaeology Podcast? Chris Webster wants to interview me about my Uber side hustle. Well isn’t that just dandy? Thanks Andrew.

Just dropped off some business cards. Already have two customers for late night trips.