OZ PUB – Australian Paul Uber Blog.

The Uber Chronicles continued:

Day started slow until Donhyeong wanted an Uber to get to college. I didn’t try pronounce his name. He noticed I was listening to the cricket, then we started conversing about sport. Soccer came up in conversation, then I asked him what team he followed he said USA and South Korea, boom. Now I know where you’re from. He was studying psychology, said that sounds tough, he agreed.

Anyway after dropping off the gentleman I was driving around when I found some comedy gold waiting at the crosswalk. He was obviously listening to Eye of the Tiger. Punching his invisible assailant in the face and then the stomach, maybe the groin. I stared at this gentleman waiting for the light to change. He continued his workout across the street. Nice one dude. Keep punching the air.

Ping. Malia! My niece in Bellingham! Okay it wasn’t my niece, but she was from Utah on a mission to help Ragnar. Some kind of viking. Okay code for a cross country event. Sounded intense.

Then Uber eats at Denny’s. Beauty there’s a promotion on. Double pay for delivering food. Then ping! Two Denny’s orders. Nice one.

David ah David. The next passenger used my former employer for an archaeological assessment. He knew it was a template right off the bat and didn’t think it was worth the money he paid. I chuckled because I wasn’t employed when it happened. Not my problem. I sympathized and got tipped handsomely.

Had a lady from Houston who travels the country washing surgical equipment. What a gig! Three months of washing utensils and having your accommodation and travel paid for, just to clean things. She asked me why the USA? I said I took a wrong turn at Woollomooloo.

Ran out of Hi Chews! Had to restock my sweets.

Till tomorrow night.

Oh yeah it’s going to be good day. John Wick here I come! Okay it wasn’t Keanu Reeves, but by golly I was hoping. Turns out he came to pick up his brothers car, which was impounded, due to the lack of papers in order. I said it isn’t Josè is it? He said no. Thought it was the mate that was detained from a few days ago. You know the crazy California trip? Well it just so happens to be another guy who was detained because he didn’t have any papers on him. He was from San Francisco also. Thought what a coincidence.

Update since Keanu. I had Wesley Snipes grace my vehicle. Okay it wasn’t Wesley Snipes, it was just Wesley. He worked at hearth company called Wood Stone. He pronounced Hearth weirdly. Grated on me a little.

Two Mexican ladies flew in from Las Vegas to get on a bus to Vancouver. They said Uber in Mexico is dangerous. I said well this one isn’t. Then they asked me where my accent was from I said not here. Australia of course. They liked it apparently. Cool.

Cyclists. Today there were so many of them riding in the middle of the road. One guy, I feel, was getting in my way on purpose. Frustrating. Good thing about Bellingham is, it is a perfect grid system. Haha good bye cyclist. Oh my God no! More cyclists two a breast in the middle of the road. Come on!

After escaping the evil clutches of the cyclists I managed to get to the airport to pick up two people from Hawaii. On the way to their friends place, also named Paul. A guy blared their horn at me for merging. I immediately swore at the car behind me. The lady asked me where I was from I said Australia. They want to go to Australia and I said Hawaii is beautiful. After discussing at length our origins were, I dropped them off. They tipped me cash. Gave me 5 stars. Wondering if it was my road rage.

I picked up a lady today who works at Boundary Bay. She told me her friend left her to go to Australia to study anthropology at the University of Melbourne. I said well you’re never going to believe where I’m from and what my qualifications are. She was flabbergasted. Also surprised.

Finally when I thought I was done today. Jim decided to get an Uber on my way home. Oh yes who’s Jim you say? He’s Mr Canceller. I had turned around and he wanted to cancel me. Frustrating. I still went to Mykonos the restaurant looking for Jim, just in case he changed his mind. He was nowhere to be seen. Then ping! An airport ping? But there are no planes due!??? It was a bus and a woman from Florida she needed to go to Lummi Island. Yes a 20 minute trip before hometime, makes up for Jim whoever you are. We discussed the humorous fad “Florida Man” where you type into Google, your birthday and Florida man. Hilarious, do it people. I’m pretty sure every day in the year is accounted for.

Till to tomorrow.

Right, here goes. Driving on the highway looking for the show, okay customer. Was heading to the ever so fruitless airport, when ping! A man named Mohamed needed a lift back up where I came from to the BP refinery. Then I discovered an untouched goldmine of transportation potential. I picked up another two and dropped them off at the airport. Surprisingly the security guard at BP Cherry Point prefers Uber than taxis. Actually not surprised at all. I gave him my number and now I’m looking at getting business cards made thanks to Deb. Cheers Deb.

The German gentleman loved my accent and found it refreshing I wasn’t American. I felt sorry for his colleague in the rear who was indeed American. The German called Norbit also told me a rather rude and derogatory joke, which I obviously laughed at. Anyone seen the movie 127 hours? Well let’s just say it involved part of that. Especially the arm being fit off and we won’t mention the other bits because this is a family show people. Geeze.

Today I also got a 4 star rating for no reason. My first one. Absolutely rude. I had 5 star ratings until whoever you were stepped foot in my car. Wondering why? This person didn’t even say why? Is it because you’re one of those teachers that say oh nothing is 100% in life, so you have to bring people down a notch?

Had one lady and her daughter from LA surprising her mother. Thought that was pretty exciting for them all.

Anyway had a couple of Peruvians in the car and they don’t like the current political landscape, said it brews hatred. I agreed with them.

Had a man talk about his husband the whole trip, which is fine, but I was trying to tell you about my day.

Finally had my 100th driver grace my vehicle. To her surprise she was gifted a $10 gift card to Fred Meyer. She tipped me $5. Little confused by this but I guess she got a $5 gift card.

See pictures below. Anyone else OCD? I am particularly for 4.98/5 rating I have now.

This was the most intense Uber trip I have ever accomplished. Still got to drive 14 hrs home, but oh boy. I started my evening at 6PM. Then as I was driving down my street, a ping. A ping in Blaine! Near the Cost Cutters. A gentleman by the name of Marlo met me there and immediately told me his ordeal. Him and his Brazilian friend drove up from San Francisco to shoot a music video in Blaine Washington at the Peace Arch. On arrival the border patrol saw their Californian license plates and pulled them over in their Cadillac. They took one look at Jose and demanded papers, which were in California so the tased him and handcuffed him. My future Uber passenger showed me the entire footage. They didn’t dare touch Chris Marlo aka Trezy the upcoming rapper, because he was an African American and a citizen. This fine gentleman didn’t have his drivers license yet and could not drive the now impounded Cadillac. So he needed transportation to get to San Francisco fast. He didn’t have enough money or a passport and all trains and buses were no longer running until Tuesday.

I initially took him to Fairhaven to see if there was an Amtrak. Nope nothing. So he pleaded with me to take him all the way to California. I obviously thought about it and said I can drive you to Seattle. Then he said I’ll pay you some money now and the rest when I see my brother back in California.

I rolled the dice and it was one hell of a trip. 14 hours into the night. Many microsleeps on the way. Fun fun and scary. But all in all pleasant. We discussed the issues with police brutality and border patrol using unnecessary force. It certainly angered me further. Something needs to be done!

When we finally got to our destination Hawk aka the brother with the cash. Thanked me immensely and I told him it’s all good. Let’s get your brother’s music career into stardom.

Showers and teeth brushing is extremely wonderful.

If anyone wants to see a rap video of the guy (Treezy aka Chris Morley Sanders) I dropped off in California please send me a private message and I’ll forward it to you.

I just looked up the longest Uber ride ever. It’s only 400 miles. It appears I have the record. 907 miles. Who do I tell? Guinness world records?

As I’m getting close to my 100th trip already here’s the latest.

First chap used me twice. Second time he gave me cash in hand. Legend straight off the bat.

One trip had five people wanting to venture into my five person vehicle. Mathematics is hard for people. Yes I’m the driver so that’s six people trying to fit in the one car. Instead of me saying get an UberXL. I said just get in and then I nervously drove way over my quota. Not going to be doing that too often that’s for sure.

One gentleman asked me how many people ask me about Australia. I said tons. Then proceeded to discuss when a construction worker used the word crikey in the wrong context. Next thing you know a raccoon pops up around the corner with three deer in the vicinity. I yelled crikey at the top of my lungs. Great now this guy thinks I’m some kind of Steve Irwin. But hold on he’s from Kansas so I said do you ever get the feeling you’re not in Kansas anymore? He smirked and said yeah I’ve heard that a million times. Yep I bet you have, I remarked.

Had a guy called Denton. Not the famous Australian chap Andrew Denton. Just Denton. First name Denton. Yep. Denton.

Oh the weird lady that hit on me the other night after telling her to not assault her. She was back, this time with her boyfriend. She was really quiet for some reason. Not sure why?

Next customer oh boy. Travis. Yep his lady friend Candy. He told her to not eat my Hi Chews because they might be drugged. Yeah sure mate. I really want to ruin my 5 star rating by drugging people. Anywho they wanted to stop for smokes, when Suddenly Candy exclaimed Dingo ate my baby! I said really? You’re the first customer to say that. We stopped at the servo. Then she proceeded to to eat my drugs, I mean Hi Chews and told me to not tell Travis. She then took a selfie with me in it and wanted me to add her on Instagram. I said sure let me write it down. (Yeah like I’m going to add you). Humoring customers is the best. Travis came back and saw she had eaten a Hi Chew and was pissed. I just laughed and eventually dropped them off at their hotel and she said she wanted to leave Travis for me. Oh boy!

The following customer wanted me to drive their car to another parking spot. I said yeah first let me lock my car and get my phone. That was fine. Literally just had to move it a few feet away. Oh the guy asked if I drive stick prior to all this. I said do you know who I am? He said no. Well you should. He asked why’s that? I’m your Uber Driver I can pretty much drive a train. (I cannot drive a train). His partner in crime used a sick bag in my car. Hooray. No mess. Apparently I was a legend.

Finally the last customer I picked up was Trevor. He pretty much said Australian tourists are the worst, but we did the right thing about gun laws. Really don’t know how I felt about that one.

Forgot about this the other night. Enjoy your flight I said as I dropped her off at departures. Lady said you too. Oh! She exclaimed. Sorry. I laughed, she laughed. The cabbie down the road laughed. It was a great time.

Not a great start to the day got a chip on my windscreen aka windshield from either a bird or another vehicle. Saw the bird flying in circles ahead of me, so I’m getting it fixed for free. Thanks insurance company.

Okay while I wait here’s a fun fact about the very first taximeter:

The taximeter was invented in Ancient Rome originally. The rather crude invention was hooked up to a chariot, with a horse and would be made up of a compartmented wheel driven by a road wheel. As the wheel would turn pebbles would be released periodically as the wheel moved. The pebbles would then be counted after every trip, which in turn would dictate how many Denari the passenger owed the driver. (Popular Mechanics, 1960: p112).

Ah yes what an evening of driving. Absolutely knackered. 4th of July eve was a success. There were definitely highlights including a vegan leaving a piece of onion on my passenger seat. The audacity! It’s okay I flicked it out the door as she was shutting it. Boom! Mean Seth Rogan made an appearance okay his doppelganger called Cody showed up. Same features and voice, not to mention his laugh. Oh a man in van gave me the bird for merging so I didn’t miss my exit. He was so powerful with it he lost his teeth! Hmmm maybe he didn’t have them to begin with who knows? I just laughed at his anger and proceeded to exit.

Now Uber Eats probably the grossest thing I ever encountered. Went to use the restrooms while I waited for McDonald’s to cook the so called food that David P ordered. As I was walking out of the bathroom a toddler decided to drop what appeared to be a chicken nugget on the floor. Oh that’s no nugget ladies and gentlemen, it was a turd. A smelly turd. The father of the child casually proceeded to grab anything he could find to clean it up, honestly hurry up dude before someone steps in it! The kid just stared at me with his mouth open. I shook my head at the child and left the scene of the crime immediately. Yep after that I had lost my appetite and dropped off his meal to David P. Yes high as a kite this gent was. Couldn’t tell me where he was. I had to find this guy stumbling in the night. He thanked me and I went on my way.

Someone left their sunglasses in my car. Will find out tomorrow if anyone actually cares about them.

Hmmm…people still fascinated by accent. One guy was thankful it wasn’t a New Zealand accent. He was very strong about it in fact. Said this blonde New Zealander babysat him as a child and he loathed her.

Apparently people at Haggen the grocery store get paid and looked after pretty well. This one particular gentleman was extremely stoked about working there.

Met an environmental guy who gave me his card and may need an archaeologist in the future. Knew all about section 106. I said I’ll send him a resume as soon as I can. He owns his own company and works all over the US. He had a walking stick and had to pick up his Ford from the dealership. He tipped me rather well.

There was a lady named Hannah, she was Scottish and lived in Australia. Cool story. Oh she was from Glasgow and is apparently better than Edinburgh.

People always commenting on our dangerous animals. I said, you know what doesn’t kill you? Assault rifles.

By the way a few ladies I dropped off at a wedding, informed me that Mozambique is in the commonwealth and it used to be a Portuguese colony, not UK. They even drive on the left. Smarty pants. I already knew that but it was cool they revealed that to me.

One last thing. Racism. Drunkard Racism. Not a fan. Not going to reveal the gory details, but after one fellow spewed out a comment, I immediately turned around and said to be Frank, the people you just discussed are probably the most respectful and genuine people I have ever met. Here’s your stop. Goodnight.

Think I need to get some business cards made. Three people have requested me. Especially a pilot named Dwight. Yes Dwight. I thought of TV show The Office. He was quite the opposite of what I expected.

Picked up a new regular Dwight at 3am. He’s a pilot and off to Bahrain.

Picked up a cool gentleman from Jamaica named Bryon today. We discussed cricket and how easily offended people get these days. We both agreed that thicker skins come with thicker grins. Probably could’ve chatted to longer with him.

Found out it’s cheaper to fly to the San Juan Islands than to get a boat. Who would have thunk?

Uber eats is better when there are promotions are on. Also people really like Maccas at 3 in the morning here. Had my first Dennys pickup. Smelt fantastic.

Uber pays quicker than most employers I’ve ever had. Weekly. Yep. Pretty solid actually.

Most conversations only last 5-10 minutes. It’s unfortunate because most of them I could talk their ears off about anything. No awkward silences, yet.

99% of Uber riders don’t like Trump so far. I haven’t brought him up at all. People just ask me what I think of him. I just say a raving lunatic with his priorities up wazoo. Then the flood gates open. One person told me about his friend that had been living and working in the country for over 20 years. She was from Rwanda and her citizenship became annulled for whatever reason. So she married a friend to stay in the country. To be honest looking at what happened to Rwanda in 1994, it’s no wonder she wouldn’t want to back.

People still ask where I’m from. I simply turn up Men at Work on the radio. To see if they understand. Nope. Some have heard of her.

Oh one last thing. Actually spoke to another Uber driver waiting for a plane to arrive. He told me where I had parked was incorrect and that I could be fined $500 by the airport, he also said that I have to park beyond his car or not at all. I said well I’ll risk it thanks. He was really hurt about where I’d parked in relation to the airport. He obviously thinks it’s about proximity like normal ubering. Nah mate if you get to the airport queue first, you get pinged first simple. He proceeded to have ciggie and left. Clearly I stressed the poor bugger out. Soon as he left I got a ping, thanks mate 🤣😂

Guy asked me if I was a New Zealander. I said, now I’m going to kick you out.

Uber blog day 4. Yes because Thursday I was busy. First lady tipped me in cash because I said how good the local breweries are and that I was gutted about Illuminati shutting down.

The airport is a trap. Don’t even bother. It’s not big enough.

The night was quiet until 11.30 PM. Then ping after ping after ping. Flat out like a lizard drinking. I know where to camp my vehicle ready to pounce on unsuspecting Uber riders. Then bombard them with as much aussie slang as I can.

Found out people down south bring their Uber up here on alternate weekends. The audacity. Isn’t Seattle big enough?

Someone drank a quarter of a bottle of water and left it in the car. Rude. Just take it. Now your germy bottle is sitting in me cup holder.

Australia = spiders oh loved freaking out the odd passenger. Then I remind them hey your safe from the spiders in this country. Except for deranged shooters. Who knows when they’ll pop up? Not so safe in this country. Unless you have a concealed spider, then I think you might win that gun fight.

Camel spiders in Australia? No sir they’re called huntsman.

Suddenly there’s a valley. Oh I mean Sudden Valley. Yeah that’s out there all right. Dropped one lady off and then she said oh it’s a separate trip for this guy. Um okay, seems like my phone has no reception because I’m in a valley. She said he’s my wifi password, so I connected and it the app didn’t understand there was another place to go. So she ordered me again using said wifi. Managed to drop the chap of 0.41 miles from her place. Could have walked but whatever money is money. Then after dropping the extra random off I had to find my way out of Suddenly there’s a valley. I mean Sudden Valley.

Oh and critters. 10 deer sightings, most were in that valley that Suddenly showed up. The rest were in the middle of suburbia. They’re like roos. Popping up everywhere. Reminds me of Armidale.

Uber eats weird moment, delivered “Fat Shack” to a tent sitting out the front of a house. They demanded I bring the food to them.

Parking like an ass hole is totally ok if you’re an Uber driver. Quick get in before the drop bears come!

After 15 trips I’m exhausted!

Longest trip 7.78 miles

Trip average 4 miles

Shortest trip 0.41 miles (he tipped the most though like 100%).

Water and hi chews are getting low.

Bullshit job of the day:

Energy consultant that instructs businesses on how to save money by limiting power usage.

Guess what? You just need a dad going around to turning the bloody lights off.

Driving Uber and being kind to whoever sits in your car is a must. It’s natural to me, but two men said they appreciated how kind I was to them. I said being kind to people goes a lot further than being a prick to people. He immediately tipped me in cash not via the app.

Friday’s are definitely more fruitful than weekdays ubering. Also the Aussie accent is apparently, so attractive even the men are asking their wives to do it in certain personal circumstances.

Not everyone tips Uber when they’re drunk. They’ll take a water and spill it everywhere. 
One also said to not to assault them and then proceeded to hit on me when I responded. 🤢😣😖😒🤯🤦‍♂️

Had a guy called Skip. He apparently doesn’t like Skippy the bush kangaroo. Couldn’t figure out why?

Uber eats is only good if the customer tips. Waste of money otherwise.

Longest trip 10 miles

Shortest trip. 0.68 miles.

Average ~5 miles.

By the way Niblit Men at Work on Repeat was a hoot.

Quote of the Morning: “can I detect an accent?”

My response: “possibly!”

Just calculated that I’m getting tipped 26% on 90% of my trips. That’s kinda cool. Guessing people like Aussies. Should rock up with a giant stuffed kangaroo, hat with corks and a didgeridoo. No knives though might freak people out.

Ubering is hit and miss for sure. Had a lady from yesterday order uber eats, which by the smallest fare, but she tipped me handsomely because she remembered me. Got a regular now. Picked up a guy from Jacksonville, he looks to be turning his life around and he said my car smelt clean. Thank God! Was worried about all the archaeology filth and dog hair that had taken over my car for so long.

No actor doppelgangers. Saw Oliver and Jessica though because I was in the neighborhood. ‘Ello ‘ello.

So far the hichews lollies are being consumed more rather than the water.